SATIRE: AOC, THUNBERG, AND THE FIGHT FOR HUMANITY

Written by: Travis W. Rogers

AOC is at it again. Though out of the limelight as of recent, the New York Representative is back in the spotlight. However, fans of the youthful Democratic-Socialist may be in for a surprise. In an unprecedented move, Ocasio-Cortez has partnered with Greta Thunberg in an effort to eradicate the SARS-COV-2 virus, which leads to COVID-19. While rising to instant fame as the climate activist who scolded the world with her seething “How dare you!” remarks, Thunberg recently joined CNN’s “expert panel” to address the COVID pandemic.

News of the unexpected partnership rocked the airwaves and digital media alike as Conservatives decried it as a gimmick and Progressives prepared for the next blue wave through green deals. No one could have expected the true reason for the partnership, and to what extremes either young powerhouse would be willing to go in order to effect change. Could global warming really be the cure to COVID-19? CNN scooped up an exclusive interview with Ocasio-Cortez and Thunberg.

“While I know it may come as a shock, I want to, like, let everyone know I, like, still stand behind my Green New Deal, and believe it to be the way of the future. But, for now, the future is on pause and will have to stay in the future,” stated Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. “While the need for emissions controls and regulation of farm gases is still important, we’re currently facing a far more dangerous threat to humanity. Greta and I are working together to draft a new plan, much of which will be implemented by a newly created organization known as the Fast Action Response Team.”

While hesitant to reveal all the details of the plan, Ocasio-Cortez was forthcoming regarding certain aspects of the proposed team. “They’ll act very quickly and will produce results in rapid succession. You’ll likely never see them in action but you’ll know when they’ve made an impact.” Unfortunately, no further information about the Fast Action Response Team was able to be extracted.

With incredible enthusiasm and zeal, Thunberg was more than happy to shed some light on their proposed plans. “When Alexandria first approached me, I couldn’t believe what she was proposing. I felt violated for trusting her. It wasn’t until she convinced me that this pandemic truly was robbing me of my childhood that I knew something had to be done,” said Thunberg. And, indeed, something is being done. “We’ve decided the best course of action is to promote a temporary increase in greenhouse gases and global warming.”

Sensing the state of shock, Ocasio-Cortez immediately clarified the matter. “We’re not saying global warming is good. We’re just saying that science has shown the virus doesn’t thrive very well in warmer temperatures. If we, like, push really hard to increase temperatures, we just might be able to kill this thing. We’re asking for people to do their part. Go for a drive. Turn on your space heaters. We need to raise the temperatures to save lives. Between that and raising taxes on the rich, we can get rid of the virus. It may not be a perfect solution, but we need to understand that some may have to be negatively impacted in order to help the greater good. It’s really just another way Democratic Socialism will help save the world!”

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